The most pointless excursions ever
1) Booze cruises.
It really says something about this country when the best way of tempting us to the continent is by the construction of gigantic off-licences along the French coast. (I went to one years ago named ‘EastEnders). The preserve of fat cockneys and illiterate plebs who think they are top ‘dog’ because their white van is crammed full of half price Stella, the only reason to go on a booze cruise is to laugh at the fashion sense of these pricks. The sort of people who’s anti-European views are forgotten the moment they step into their boozer back home and start knocking back the cut-price ale with their simpleton mates.
2) Waxwork museums
No trip to London would be complete without a trip to Madame Tussaud’s. Where normally rational people pay through the nose to stare in wonderment at a dead unrealistic wax model of someone off the telly in olden times before photography and Ok magazine, these places had some sort of worth. But today in the days of “press the red button to access the secret camera in Jordan’s tits”, they are as anachronistic as clockwork dildo’s.
3) Stag nights
In the olden days stag nights were nothing more than extended drinking sessions in which the comatose husband-to-be would be chained up to a kebab with his knob dipped in chilli sauce. But since the launch of the budget airlines, stag nights now last three weeks and usually take place in some eastern European capital crammed full of ‘ten bob’ whores.
With a ‘Daves stag weekend’ t-shirt on their backs and condoms in their pockets, the party goers take part in what is essentially nothing but a glorified brothel crawl, fuelled by bad lager and cheap cocaine. The only tradition left behind is the obligatory night in the cells, though that is often spent in the company of a bisexual Latvian lorry driver than a harmless old tramp.
-Damien
It really says something about this country when the best way of tempting us to the continent is by the construction of gigantic off-licences along the French coast. (I went to one years ago named ‘EastEnders). The preserve of fat cockneys and illiterate plebs who think they are top ‘dog’ because their white van is crammed full of half price Stella, the only reason to go on a booze cruise is to laugh at the fashion sense of these pricks. The sort of people who’s anti-European views are forgotten the moment they step into their boozer back home and start knocking back the cut-price ale with their simpleton mates.
2) Waxwork museums
No trip to London would be complete without a trip to Madame Tussaud’s. Where normally rational people pay through the nose to stare in wonderment at a dead unrealistic wax model of someone off the telly in olden times before photography and Ok magazine, these places had some sort of worth. But today in the days of “press the red button to access the secret camera in Jordan’s tits”, they are as anachronistic as clockwork dildo’s.
3) Stag nights
In the olden days stag nights were nothing more than extended drinking sessions in which the comatose husband-to-be would be chained up to a kebab with his knob dipped in chilli sauce. But since the launch of the budget airlines, stag nights now last three weeks and usually take place in some eastern European capital crammed full of ‘ten bob’ whores.
With a ‘Daves stag weekend’ t-shirt on their backs and condoms in their pockets, the party goers take part in what is essentially nothing but a glorified brothel crawl, fuelled by bad lager and cheap cocaine. The only tradition left behind is the obligatory night in the cells, though that is often spent in the company of a bisexual Latvian lorry driver than a harmless old tramp.
-Damien
posted by Damien at Friday, July 08, 2005
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