My game reviews.
In this post is excessive swearing and bad-language. if you take offence to any of the words i do not really care, as the disclaimer is at the bottom.
As many of you may well know, some new games have been released recently. The official playstation2 magazine rates these next games very highly.
I will now proceed to tell you the truth about them.
My reviews for:
#1. Gran turismo four.
#2. Shadow of Rome.
#3. Midnight club three, DubEdition.
GRAN TURISMO FOUR.
Oh at last! The long awaited fourth release of the same game! At the time I thought it would be good. Silly thought.
I started the game with a measly ten-grand and proceeded to buy my first car, a mitsibishi FTO. A good little runner. I was pleased up until the point that I had to do about twenty races until I had enough money to buy upgrades for the car; allowing me to win harder races and thus get more money for a really nice car.
I did the first licence without a problem. But I did find it irritating that the loading and selecting screens were actually a lot longer than the actual in-game parts. I was also annoyed that you had to be above perfect to get a gold medal in any session.
I went through the beginner, professional and European races pretty swiftly. Again though I had to do the decent-win races several times before I got enough money to get a faster car, and one that met the restrictions of each race. Which bored me. Not to mention the other three licences I had to do, again the loading/selecting screens took up way too much time. Which also bored the shit out of me.
I got stuck at the last ten-race champinship at the bottom of the pro events. Turns out I need a car that costs nearly five million credits to even get close to the others. I nearly cried. One million credits takes fucking ages to get, and I needed four and a half times that amount!! Fuck that.
I also unlocked the endurance events, I took a quick look at the length of the races and noticed there are four or five 24HOUR RACES. Fuck you! Even an hour on the same race would bore me so much that I would rather keel over and die! It would be like having training in sleep-deprivation-sad-bastard skills.
Then I realised I had forked out for a game that was exactly the same as the three prior to it. Shit. That piece of fuck was thirty pound. All four games at average price? £120! What.The.Fuck!?
My point?
I’m a stupid fuck for buying the same piece of shit! Made by nothing other than professional con-men!
Overall rating?
Oh! The fourth original! FUCK YOU!
#2.
Shadow of Rome.
I bought this game for £29.99 in blockbusters. I failed to see my mistake at the time, but now it is obvious that I should have known it would be shit two years ago when I noticed a film on the shelf titled, ‘erotic vampires pissing in paris.’
But I carried on regardless.
The game does actually start off funny. You are a roman soldier, Agrippa. You have to hack your way through about twenty or so men to get to the next area. You do virtually the same thing in the next area, but with less men. After which there is a cut scene unravveling the not-so-great plot; your father has been framed for the assasination of Rome's beloved leader Julius Ceaser!
Then, suddenly you are a five-foot nothing blonde homosexual and have to sneak about some linear and rather shite areas to clear Aggrippa's father of the heinous crime! The game turns to thirty quids worth of shit right in front of you within the first half an hour.
The game is heavily restricted, you have to complete each area in one very specific way. you may as well just walk down an empty corridor. hence, this part of the game is fucking boring.
By the time you reach the gladiator arenas you will have noticed that each enemy can withstand about fourteen arrows to the face and have both their arms 'amputated' with a mace before they finally die and sink into the floor. if you are anything like me, you will realise how incredibly unrealistic this is and be ever more sickened by the games overall shitness.
Another restricted part of the game: the moves that you can pull off to slaughter your foes. there are only 4-5 moves you can do with each weapon, (most of them being very similar anyway) Why? possibly because they would rather you walked about with the homo instead of allowing one aspect of the game to be half-decent.
As the story gets more in-depth, it becomes painfully obvious that this game is worse than drowning yourself in someone elses piss over a seventy-hour period. (drowning in your own piss is less disgusting, don't believe me? watch 'Bulet Proof.'
So then. Why did i not take it back? Becaue i have enough money for it, and i didn't want to be so cruel as to allow the possibility of some single-parent to buy it for their child; only for him/her to become manically-depressed and commit suicide.
Overall rating?
Worse (and more costly) than rolling in dog shit until pronounced deceased.
#3
Midnight club 3: dub-edition
My brother wanted this, so i bought it for him. Even if my Existence depended on it; i wouldn't take a shit on this. Yeah, that bad.
To start career mode you have to buy one of six affordable cars. I decided upon the VW Golf GTI. A respectable car.
The idea is to modify the car to look and perform the best possible. Each modificatin costs between 300-3000 credits. Each race gets you between 600-1200 credits.fair enough. unfortunately changing the cars appearance actually has any in-game effects.
When i start the first race, the outlook is relatively impressive, the music is ok, and the graphics are smoothe.
Then, the loading screen passes, and the scale of shit that you just purchased is immesureable.
Feeling a slight amount of hope i carried on to get some cash up. i soon had enough to purchase nitrous oxide.
When i used it i had to wonder what the Fuck was going on. It seems to put me at a major racing disadvantage: it propells you to top speed and over in roughly 1/4 of a second; Hence, you are unable to see the road; or anything for that matter. And crash into anything in your path at "140" miles an hour. Which actually looks more like mach-30. Your car smashes to bits and you have to retry. You realise you cannot use your N2O and lose every other shit-mobile race.
Eventually you manage to slam the computer opponents off course and feel slightly pleased that you managed to screw the system by winning.
Now, you have acquired enough money to'mod' the car! yes! you think. You make the available modifications to the exterior of the vehicle and find that the car now looks far worse than:
1) The original design. and
2) A brathing puddle of shite.
Disgusted, i turn the game off and return it to it's case. I shoot a double-take and notice that this disgraceful piece of FUCK! Is made by Rockstar Games!
That can't be right?! They made San-Andreas! But it is correct.
At this point, my respect for them dropped so low that i could of willingly killed all of their game-designers with a copy of this shit; and gone home guilt-free knowing knowing it was for the correct cause after they made:
THIS SOUL-DESTROYINGLY, GOD-AWFUL REMAKE OF RETARDED-SHITMOBILES!
Fuck You, rockstaR games! don't you ever make a disgraceful piece of shit like this ever again!
Overall rating?
Suicide worthy.
Disclaimer.
When i threaten or suggest that i will kill, slaughter, maim or harm anyone in any way it is not meant seriously, nor offensively; neither should the words homo, homosexual, gay or retard be taken offensively. Faggot should be taken offensively, as i have not used this word anywhere.
AWWWWW-RIGHT.
Thats all for now. Go home.
-Damien.
As many of you may well know, some new games have been released recently. The official playstation2 magazine rates these next games very highly.
I will now proceed to tell you the truth about them.
My reviews for:
#1. Gran turismo four.
#2. Shadow of Rome.
#3. Midnight club three, DubEdition.
GRAN TURISMO FOUR.
Oh at last! The long awaited fourth release of the same game! At the time I thought it would be good. Silly thought.
I started the game with a measly ten-grand and proceeded to buy my first car, a mitsibishi FTO. A good little runner. I was pleased up until the point that I had to do about twenty races until I had enough money to buy upgrades for the car; allowing me to win harder races and thus get more money for a really nice car.
I did the first licence without a problem. But I did find it irritating that the loading and selecting screens were actually a lot longer than the actual in-game parts. I was also annoyed that you had to be above perfect to get a gold medal in any session.
I went through the beginner, professional and European races pretty swiftly. Again though I had to do the decent-win races several times before I got enough money to get a faster car, and one that met the restrictions of each race. Which bored me. Not to mention the other three licences I had to do, again the loading/selecting screens took up way too much time. Which also bored the shit out of me.
I got stuck at the last ten-race champinship at the bottom of the pro events. Turns out I need a car that costs nearly five million credits to even get close to the others. I nearly cried. One million credits takes fucking ages to get, and I needed four and a half times that amount!! Fuck that.
I also unlocked the endurance events, I took a quick look at the length of the races and noticed there are four or five 24HOUR RACES. Fuck you! Even an hour on the same race would bore me so much that I would rather keel over and die! It would be like having training in sleep-deprivation-sad-bastard skills.
Then I realised I had forked out for a game that was exactly the same as the three prior to it. Shit. That piece of fuck was thirty pound. All four games at average price? £120! What.The.Fuck!?
My point?
I’m a stupid fuck for buying the same piece of shit! Made by nothing other than professional con-men!
Overall rating?
Oh! The fourth original! FUCK YOU!
#2.
Shadow of Rome.
I bought this game for £29.99 in blockbusters. I failed to see my mistake at the time, but now it is obvious that I should have known it would be shit two years ago when I noticed a film on the shelf titled, ‘erotic vampires pissing in paris.’
But I carried on regardless.
The game does actually start off funny. You are a roman soldier, Agrippa. You have to hack your way through about twenty or so men to get to the next area. You do virtually the same thing in the next area, but with less men. After which there is a cut scene unravveling the not-so-great plot; your father has been framed for the assasination of Rome's beloved leader Julius Ceaser!
Then, suddenly you are a five-foot nothing blonde homosexual and have to sneak about some linear and rather shite areas to clear Aggrippa's father of the heinous crime! The game turns to thirty quids worth of shit right in front of you within the first half an hour.
The game is heavily restricted, you have to complete each area in one very specific way. you may as well just walk down an empty corridor. hence, this part of the game is fucking boring.
By the time you reach the gladiator arenas you will have noticed that each enemy can withstand about fourteen arrows to the face and have both their arms 'amputated' with a mace before they finally die and sink into the floor. if you are anything like me, you will realise how incredibly unrealistic this is and be ever more sickened by the games overall shitness.
Another restricted part of the game: the moves that you can pull off to slaughter your foes. there are only 4-5 moves you can do with each weapon, (most of them being very similar anyway) Why? possibly because they would rather you walked about with the homo instead of allowing one aspect of the game to be half-decent.
As the story gets more in-depth, it becomes painfully obvious that this game is worse than drowning yourself in someone elses piss over a seventy-hour period. (drowning in your own piss is less disgusting, don't believe me? watch 'Bulet Proof.'
So then. Why did i not take it back? Becaue i have enough money for it, and i didn't want to be so cruel as to allow the possibility of some single-parent to buy it for their child; only for him/her to become manically-depressed and commit suicide.
Overall rating?
Worse (and more costly) than rolling in dog shit until pronounced deceased.
#3
Midnight club 3: dub-edition
My brother wanted this, so i bought it for him. Even if my Existence depended on it; i wouldn't take a shit on this. Yeah, that bad.
To start career mode you have to buy one of six affordable cars. I decided upon the VW Golf GTI. A respectable car.
The idea is to modify the car to look and perform the best possible. Each modificatin costs between 300-3000 credits. Each race gets you between 600-1200 credits.fair enough. unfortunately changing the cars appearance actually has any in-game effects.
When i start the first race, the outlook is relatively impressive, the music is ok, and the graphics are smoothe.
Then, the loading screen passes, and the scale of shit that you just purchased is immesureable.
Feeling a slight amount of hope i carried on to get some cash up. i soon had enough to purchase nitrous oxide.
When i used it i had to wonder what the Fuck was going on. It seems to put me at a major racing disadvantage: it propells you to top speed and over in roughly 1/4 of a second; Hence, you are unable to see the road; or anything for that matter. And crash into anything in your path at "140" miles an hour. Which actually looks more like mach-30. Your car smashes to bits and you have to retry. You realise you cannot use your N2O and lose every other shit-mobile race.
Eventually you manage to slam the computer opponents off course and feel slightly pleased that you managed to screw the system by winning.
Now, you have acquired enough money to'mod' the car! yes! you think. You make the available modifications to the exterior of the vehicle and find that the car now looks far worse than:
1) The original design. and
2) A brathing puddle of shite.
Disgusted, i turn the game off and return it to it's case. I shoot a double-take and notice that this disgraceful piece of FUCK! Is made by Rockstar Games!
That can't be right?! They made San-Andreas! But it is correct.
At this point, my respect for them dropped so low that i could of willingly killed all of their game-designers with a copy of this shit; and gone home guilt-free knowing knowing it was for the correct cause after they made:
THIS SOUL-DESTROYINGLY, GOD-AWFUL REMAKE OF RETARDED-SHITMOBILES!
Fuck You, rockstaR games! don't you ever make a disgraceful piece of shit like this ever again!
Overall rating?
Suicide worthy.
Disclaimer.
When i threaten or suggest that i will kill, slaughter, maim or harm anyone in any way it is not meant seriously, nor offensively; neither should the words homo, homosexual, gay or retard be taken offensively. Faggot should be taken offensively, as i have not used this word anywhere.
AWWWWW-RIGHT.
Thats all for now. Go home.
-Damien.
posted by Damien at Friday, April 29, 2005
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home