8 years later...

Today it is the 18th of September, 2015.
I've just been watching a program on tv when I remembered blogspot and my blog,
It's been 8 years, nearly 9 years, since I've posted anything, and to be honest I'm surprised it's still here!

I'm now 28, living with my girlfriend of two years and due to get married in less than a years time.
I've read through my posts for 2005-2007 and realised several things.
I don't hate horses. Having been in contact with the beasts and their handlers, I've actually become fond of them. They are a clever and gentle animal, all with their own character. Their nose bit is soft and velvety, they are generally happy and they make me laugh. I wouldn't ride one mind you, they are too big, you never know what they're going to do.

I used to write my blog, but I think a lot of the writings on there were influenced by reading Maddox's site. They didn't give a true representation of feeling or opinion, they were more an outlet where I could say what I wanted to try and shock people. Mostly, I wanted to make my friend Ricky laugh. By the looks of it I wanted attention too, but I never knew how to share my page or anything because I'm not good with computers, so as far am I'm aware, only three people read it, and one of them was me!

It's been a long time since I wrote my blog and so much has happened I couldn't possible relate it here, not even remember the majority, or even fix a true timeline to it. Instead I'll write briefly about my life now.

Lots has changed, as is expected with such a time gap. My best friend Ricky, who I spent all my time at school with and many years and happy memories afterwards, have not spoken in years. I believe we stopped speaking somewhere around the age of 21-22. It is for a couple of main reasons on my part, his reasoning I don't know and have never asked.
Firstly, we had a fight over a girl, kitty; whom neither of us ever got or were really even interested in getting. This resulted in us both being stubborn and not talking for quite some time. During this time I did some thinking and decided that our friendship was not conducive to a happy and normal life. We were both going in different directions, we spent too much time drinking vodka and whiskey and far too much time complaining to each other and moaning about how we had it so hard and how everything was so unfair. In shirt, we were not going anywhere and we were unlikely to get past this phase of our lives without something changing drastically. We were 20 years old, but instead of going out and meeting people, making friends and memories and discovering the world and all it has to offer; we'd sit in my room playing warhammer and drinking spirits neat.
So we've both moved on and I think it is highly likely we are better of for it, getting far more out of life. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy our years together, I really did, and I remember many things very fondly. I have thought of rick many times over the years, I hope all is going well for him. I have considered getting back in contact, but something holds me back, I'm not sure what.

I have a girlfriend, Steph, and we are getting married on the 9th July 2016. I'm very excited to be marrying the girl who is perfect for me. I've known her for many years, meeting her around the local shop when she was 16 and I was 18... I spoke to Ricky of her on many an occasion. Back then we had different lives, she always had the same boyfriend, a relationship that I now know was as destructive as a few I have been through in the same few years. Things were right when we finally got together, we have always been interested in each other, and everything has fallen into place perfectly.

I work for Tesco. I made the change from GN resound in 2013, having been sacked for continual lateness and absence. Fuelled mainly by my dislike of the job and me and my brothers like for going to town 3 times a week to get drunk and cause trouble. I have avoided any sort of catering job for 9+ years , having never enjoyed the jobs I had, as has been previously mention in posts back in 2005. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing repeatedly, and expect different results. by that definition I was insane for Many years, always going for jobs within the same industry, and always hating them!

I went into Tesco as a team leader. I saw Steph on a night out on New Year's Eve, and remembered her. We got into contact over Facebook. I always remember being first to contact her, but I think now that her version of events is more accurate. I posted I was jobless, she said she was looking for staff... So began my tesco career, and soon after our relationship. I worked my way up to deputy manager within a year or so, and am enjoying the position. I aim to become a store manager eventually, again hoping to profess as quickly as I did with the last jump.

This is all for now, sleep comes to me easily now, and it's calling me.

Numb.

Numb

It's been a long time since my last post, and alot has changed. I'm nineteen now, I Have got a bike test in about 2 weeks time and I work in a very busy kitchen again.

Today is the 20th march, 2007.
My sleeping patern is still poor, I drink way too much coke and more importantly i still smoke too much. And most importantly, i still feel Numb. The 'nothing' feeling never seems to leave me. I need to find a way to get rid of it for good. I hate feeling empty.

This year is the year of improvement i have decided.
therefore:
1) this year i will quit smoking.
2) this year i will pass my motorbike test, and get a bike.
3) this year i will get a job i want to do.

Another day; another blackout.

(today Is not easter sunday now, but that's when I wrote It)
Today is now Easter Sunday. It’s approximately 12:16am. My apologies to my friend, I am sorry I did not call Dave. I was just starting to tidy my room when I suffered another blackout from exhaustion. The thing that pisses me off is that I don’t feel any better now I’m awake again. I feel just as tired as I did; I have a splitting headache (which I blame on not sleeping enough, although this might not be the cause.) I ache all over and feel like I’m in a state of strange unconsciousness.

It’s a really weird feeling. I look around and nothing seems real. It sounds ridiculous, but I’m serious. This feels like it’s killing me, it’s been over three years now, and I still can’t sleep like everyone else does. The doctor says that I cannot die from chronic insomnia. Which also irritates me in a way, because it means that no matter how shit I feel, that’s all it is; it doesn’t seem to be a proper illness. I just stay awake, praying to God that I might have maybe an hours sleep just so I don’t have to think about how shit I feel. It’s selfish really. I know that there are people out there far worse off than me, yet I can’t help but feel like not being able to sleep is unfair. I should pray for others that are in real pain; not pray for something as trivial as just a single good nights sleep.

Just recently I feel like a bad person. There are some things I have done that I regret, and there are some bad things that I have done that I cannot honestly apologise for. I pray for God to forgive my sins. But what about those that I’m not sorry for? I don’t regret doing them, and if the situation arose again; I would do exactly the same things, despite knowing that it’s wrong. So what does this mean? I will go to Hell for this?

On another note, I take way too many paracetamol tablets (due to the permanent headache.) maybe this is why they don’t work? I have about three quarters of a box a day. (About 12 500mg tablets.) I know I shouldn’t, it says not to exceed more than eight a day on the pack, but I find that they don’t work properly so I increase the dose.

I have a job interview on Tuesday. Hopefully that will go well, I’ve been out of work for about a month and a half now. It’s really starting to get me down.

The job interview went well i thought, but the job went to someone with more experience in the field. pissed me off, but try, try again.

-Damien

You Are 28% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

The most disgusting, foul piece of shit animal in the world:

Horses.
I detest these sick animals; they make me want to vomit blood. I hate the look of them, I hate the way they move the noises they make, their stupid putrescent snout thing, EVERYTHING about them.
I don’t know how anyone can like the filthy things. Here is a picture for those who have not witnessed the rancidity:



I seriously suggest we cull them immediately. Can you eat horse? I bet some sick fuck’s do. They are the vilest of people. I HOPE THEY CHOKE on the putrescence of that smug horse head. It’s even got a disgusting name. HORSE. Foul.I even have asuggestion of what we cull them with:

Excessive force?

I remember a while back the media coverage on a football riot that took place outside a stadium. The footage showed police beating back rioters with their truncheons in an effort to take control of the riot.

From what I could see of the footage, the police were using absolute textbook self-defence procedures to protect them selves and the innocent civilians around them. Furthermore we (the society) actually grant the police the power to do what they decide to be necessary to keep us safe while protecting them selves too. This is because we acknowledge that their job is difficult and dangerous, and that they have gone through the long training regime to be able to make those decisions.

However, a few civil rights activists grouped together to show that these policemen and women were abusing their power by utilising excessive force. I wonder what makes them think that it was the police that were using excessive force? After all the police were having petrol bombs hurled at them by the mob. In my opinion the rioters were using excessive force to show their annoyance to such a thing as trivial as who won at a game of football.

Every time the police do something that people see as excessive, even though they themselves have the right and qualification to say what is and is not excessive; the police come under fire by the government and an inquiry is made costing us thousands of pounds to suspend some of the officers.

I think that an inquiry into this was ridiculous. I think we should just let the police do their job and show them some respect for it. Instead of questioning what they do to protect our community and ultimately our country.

-Damien

Just a few things that really piss me off:

· Astrologers.
Every day, in every paper there is, there is a full-time paid bull-shitter spewing absolute shite. I happen to be a Leo which actually means jack shit. But there are some people that believe that because I am, I will receive an important phone call from work, I will be lucky with money and I will almost definitely catch a virus from a Taliban boar. Why? Because Uranus is close to mars, which in turn means that Pluto must be aligned with Jupiter. Well I have a news flash:
Everyone that believes that the alignment of planets and stars has any effect on specifics of anyone’s life is quite clearly a dumb-fuck.

· Work
Work really grips my shit. I would rather bathe naked on a bed of Vlad the Impalers victims on a hot beach in Egypt (it smells worse than normal) for the rest of my life on earth than have to go to that dip-shit infested cesspit for another eight-hour shift. It’s so bad that occasionally I consider leaving and having no money or anything instead of listening to the people at work talk at me. I work with a family of inbred paedophiles that can’t count to eleven because they don’t have enough fingers. It really boils my piss. One of the women (she’s 20) is so fucking stupid that she believed me when I told her that ‘labia’ was a type of boiled sweet. One of them believed that to test if the oil in a deep fat fryer is at the correct temperature, you have to dip your finger in it and taste it; and if it tastes like nuts then its ready. The oil was at 190°C when he tested it. Needless to say, he didn’t get to taste it. Seriously.

· Screaming and crying
These are two of the things I detest. When I hear a woman/child scream it enrages me so much that I feel as though I should take them out the quickest way I know:





I feel much the same way about crying. It makes me feel sick.
Hammer. Enough said.

-Damien